Three idiots are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first idiot.
“Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second idiot, “we aren’t fishing.
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
“He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered Robinson to his wife. “Watch this.”
Two Irish blokes walk into a pub.
“How many should we have this time?” asks the first one.
“Remember last time we were in here we had four and we didn’t finish the last one.”
“Don’t worry, this time we’ll get only three.
Hey barman, three bags of crisps and twenty pints of Guinness please!”
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said,” Dust!”
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep off the Grass.”
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor an an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
CONFUCIUS DID’NT SAY:
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.