The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said,” Dust!”
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Parents and little girl go to movies. Father buys tickets and the tickets seller says “It’s OK. Your little girl is free. ” The child immediately protests. “I’m not free. I’m four. “
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
I got in a crazy bar fight over a woman wearing nothing but a bra and panties. It was worth it though. It was one Hell of a barroom bra.
I heard that a Great White Shark was caught with a full set of golf clubs in its stomach. I never thought I’d say it, but a shark ingested putters.
My Wife was kidnapped and I got a letter. The envelope also had $10,000.00 in it and a note that said; “we paid, now take her back!”
I took a flight, and got charged $50 for what they call an “emotional surcharge.” They told me that I was carrying a lot of excess baggage.
My Plastic Surgeon said he could make me look like a movie star. I have something that’s been bothering me. Jack Black’s a movie star, right?
I’ve always wondered how the other half-lives. So I tracked down my Siamese twin. I found him and guess what? He’s only half the man I am.
I had a kick-boxing match with a guy who they say was a liar. They told me he was also two-faced. I lost. I didn’t know which face to punch.
A famous Maestro of a major orchestra was leading an outdoor performance and lightening hit him. I guess he really was a good conductor.