Category Archives: one liners

ONE LINERS

Short Funnies

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”    I said,” Dust!”

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?     About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?     Two mothers-in-law.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

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One liners

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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One Liners ( 2 )

Parents and little girl go to movies. Father buys tickets and the tickets seller says “It’s OK. Your little girl is free. ” The child immediately protests. “I’m not free. I’m four. “

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

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One liner jokes

I got in a crazy bar fight over a woman wearing nothing but a bra and panties. It was worth it though. It was one Hell of a barroom bra.

I heard that a Great White Shark was caught with a full set of golf clubs in its stomach. I never thought I’d say it, but a shark ingested putters.

My Wife was kidnapped and I got a letter. The envelope also had $10,000.00 in it and a note that said; “we paid, now take her back!”

I took a flight, and got charged $50 for what they call an “emotional surcharge.” They told me that I was carrying a lot of excess baggage.

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Plastic Surgeon

My Plastic Surgeon said he could make me look like a movie star. I have something that’s been bothering me. Jack Black’s a movie star, right?

I’ve always wondered how the other half-lives. So I tracked down my Siamese twin. I found him and guess what? He’s only half the man I am.

I had a kick-boxing match with a guy who they say was a liar. They told me he was also two-faced. I lost. I didn’t know which face to punch.

A famous Maestro of a major orchestra was leading an outdoor performance and lightening hit him. I guess he really was a good conductor.

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One liners

  • Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornados and hail.
  • You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
  • I plead contemporary insanity.
  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  • Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • With a calendar, your days are numbered.

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