Two Irish blokes walk into a pub.
“How many should we have this time?” asks the first one.
“Remember last time we were in here we had four and we didn’t finish the last one.”
“Don’t worry, this time we’ll get only three.
Hey barman, three bags of crisps and twenty pints of Guinness please!”
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress.
An English, Irish and Scottish man were arguing on the hospital ward who was the most careless.
The English guy said, “I’m the most careless, this morning I ramped a pavement and went head on into a wall, totally writing my car off, and now I have to wear this neck brace.”
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to,, one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
“B’jeesus,” said Paddy “Will ye look at how fakin short dat runway is.”
“You’re not fakin kiddin, Paddy” replied Shamus.
“Dis is gonna be one of the trickiest landings you’re ever gonna see,” said Paddy.
“You’re not fakin kiddin, Paddy.” replied Shamus.
“Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse” said Paddy.
“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Shamus.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
‘ Operator: ‘What is your location sir?
‘ Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .
‘ Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?
Paddy, has just got his 2nd question right on who wants to be a millionaire and is now on £200.
Here is the 3rd question.
Who was the great train robber?
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey’s died.’