A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep off the Grass.”

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir. Only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



Filed under puns

8 responses to “ONCE A PUN A TIME (2)

  1. Then there was the Scottish cloak room attendant Angus McCoatup. 😀 Or the Indian one, Mahatma Coat. 🙂

  2. I wonder if puns are creatable in other languages besides English

  3. There’s the tale of the fancy new French restaurant that was offering an aquarium full of fish, upon any of which a customer could select and subsequently dine. Our customer points to a somewhat dehydrated specimen at the very bottom of the tank and demands it be cooked for him – but the waiter suggests that the squid (for such it is) that he has selected is intended for ornamental purposes – and furthermore looks remarkably ill, having adopted a somewhat greenish pallor. The customer, however, is insistent, and so (being always right) ensures that the waiter takes our cephalopod to the head chef, Gervaise. Promptly raising his freshly sharpened cleaver, Gervaise brings it down with a determined ‘swish’ – only to find himself unable to end the life of our tentacled friend. Not wishing to embarrass the restaurant, he asks Hans, the German washer-upper to accomplish the task for him – however, Hans also finds himself with a similar passion for our sickly squid, and he too is unable to provide the requisite assistance –

    all of which just goes to prove that:

    “Hans, who does dishes, can be soft as Gervaise – with mild green, fairly limp squids…”

  4. Ina

    A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

    Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies). The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?”

    (I c&p’d this one from the internet 🙂 ) Loved your jokes, Harry!

  5. The chieftain of an African tribe heard of a raiding party that was to attack his village. With little time to prepare, he decided that if his hut were to appear empty at first glance, the raiders might well look for better pickings elsewhere – to that end, he moved all his precious goods from the ground to the first floor, and waited in trepidation upstairs. His plan may well have worked, but for the inability of a mud floor to maintain the greater weight placed upon it, which sent his goods tumbling back down to scatter back across the hut entrance:

    Moral: those who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones…

    • A group of local dignitaries were visiting the town zoo. The trio were fascinated by the elephants, and on discovering that elephant rides were on offer requested just such an experience for themselves. For two of them this was straightforward – the third, however, was deemed sufficiently ‘robust’ as to not be safely seatable on the youngish elephants the zoo used. So as not to offend, however, he was offered a hippopotamus in order that he could participate, thus:

      The squire on the hippopotamus was equal to the sum of the squires on the other two rides…

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