One liners

  • Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornados and hail.
  • You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
  • I plead contemporary insanity.
  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  • Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • With a calendar, your days are numbered.

  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
  • If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  • I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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