Pastor, my dog is dead.
Could there be a service for the poor creature?
Pastor replied, “No, we can’t have service for an animal in this church.
But there is a new church down d road, Maybe, they will do something for the animal”.
The man answered, Pastor, but do u think they will accept a donation of $250,000 in return for the burial service in that church?
Pastor, exclaimed, Sweet Jesus! Why did’nt u tell me the dog was a christian.
A woman called her younger daughter and said ‘that thing between your legs is called monkey’.
One day the young girl observed that she had started growing pubic hairs, she confided in her elder sister and said.” sister, my monkey is growing hairs.”
The sister laughed heartily and replied ‘ my own monkey has started eating bananas! lol
Filed under Sex jokes
Man Flu – The Facts…
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a ‘Mild Girly Sniffle’ – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
Filed under Doctor
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son,
“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut, then we’ll talk about the car.”
Filed under religious
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.
He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
Filed under Golf jokes
One upon a time there were two evil brothers. They were filthy rich and used their money to keep their wickedness out of the public eye.
They went to church every Sunday and pretended to be perfect Christians. Their vicar was a doddery old fool who had no idea what they were really like.
But one day the vicar died and a new one took over. This vicar wasn’t a fool. He saw through the brothers straight away.
He was an eloquent, truthful and powerful speaker and, in a very short time, the congregation doubled.
Filed under religious
How the Fight Started…
“When our lawnmower broke down and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow I always had something else to take care of first… golf, the boat, making beer… always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a way to make her point.
Filed under Marriage
Gone Fishin’
Three idiots are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first idiot.
“Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second idiot, “we aren’t fishing.
Filed under miscellaneous
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
“He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered Robinson to his wife. “Watch this.”
Filed under Golf jokes
Two Irish blokes walk into a pub.
“How many should we have this time?” asks the first one.
“Remember last time we were in here we had four and we didn’t finish the last one.”
“Don’t worry, this time we’ll get only three.
Hey barman, three bags of crisps and twenty pints of Guinness please!”
Filed under Irish
Short Funnies
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said,” Dust!”
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Filed under one liners
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep off the Grass.”
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Filed under puns
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor an an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Filed under puns
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Filed under puns
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate!
When I said ‘white’ they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
Bloody Hovis Witnesses.
Filed under Short
Jokes And Humour World 