Pastor, my dog is dead.
Could there be a service for the poor creature?
Pastor replied, “No, we can’t have service for an animal in this church.
But there is a new church down d road, Maybe, they will do something for the animal”.
The man answered, Pastor, but do u think they will accept a donation of $250,000 in return for the burial service in that church?
Pastor, exclaimed, Sweet Jesus! Why did’nt u tell me the dog was a christian.
A woman called her younger daughter and said ‘that thing between your legs is called monkey’.
One day the young girl observed that she had started growing pubic hairs, she confided in her elder sister and said.” sister, my monkey is growing hairs.”
The sister laughed heartily and replied ‘ my own monkey has started eating bananas! lol
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked, ‘Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.’
George Burns said, ‘I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.’
Oprah said, ‘I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.’
George said, ‘Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.’
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said… ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’…
‘What is Irish Viagra?’, she asked.
It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it.
Involuntary Muscle Contraction Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
A chicken farmer went to a local bar…. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne…
The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer says. ‘This is a special day for me…. I am celebrating’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!’ says the woman.
Hunter was 9 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , ‘Grandpa, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?’
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?
To which the man replies, “Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door in disgust.
Filed under Sex jokes, Wife
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER: effectiveAPRIL 5th , 2012 the penis will now be taxed according to size:
Filed under Men, Sex jokes
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
Michael and Gary got married in California.
They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael’s Mom and Dad’s house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Michael’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.
She replies, ‘No’.
One Monday morning Phil the postman is cycling through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and wine bottles for the recycling bin.
“Morning, Derek, looks like you guys had a great party last night” Phil the postman comments.
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’
Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.